...he fell to his knees, exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed my time here in UPOU even after just this one term, but the work and household problems really piled on me these past three months. That said, it was an interesting ride. I have a newfound respect for working students who can balance their time like this, because it's a constant struggle. I found myself feeling strained by the combined pressures, and to unwind, I procrastinate by binging YouTube videos or playing video games.
I get to knock myself out of the procrastination slump early enough to finish my requirements for work and school, but I know I can't go on like this. A few weeks ago, I got started on sketching out my passion project: Outl4ws. But it's still just a bunch of scene concepts and nothing following a proper plot yet. Thinking about it now, I should probably write it, chapter by chapter like a novel. It's so strange that I'm now finding myself somehow less productive now than back when I was in my post-grad school. While I'm doing better than I was doing during my early college years, I'm far from my best. I find myself lying awake at night wondering why and sometimes I think it's because I'm not fulfilled, working for my father. I make 3d models and write for him, as well as animate occasionally, but for some reason, I can't seem to feel like I "own" my role like I did back when I worked in animation. Which is funny because it was my father who observed that I'm more of a creator than an artist for hire. He suggested that later on, I should start my own small multimedia studio, but the thought of that scares me.
Having worked in an animation and multimedia studio, I've seen firsthand the pressures our higher-ups had to deal with. Bad clients, unreliable hires, technical problems (Philippine internet, anyone?), late salaries and even the last minute revision. While artists like me were the ones to rush these deadlines, it was our directors who had to stay late and check each scene and then composite them. If I started a group of my own, all those duties would likely fall to me, starting small. Upon typing this, I'm reminded of how badly I handle pressure. This is why I used to rush to finish my work as early as possible so that I don't drive myself mad with worry like I used to back in college. But people say I'm doing well. I hope they're right.
As of this writing, we had just finished work on a big artwork to be shown in Dresden, Germany. During the last few weeks before the deadline, we had to stay as late as midnight to rush the job. I mainly worked on the artwork's 3d model for the purposes of making a manual for the gallery crew, and it's during these times when I can't help but feel useless to the team. I'm not well-versed in physical crafts like woodworking or assembly, so what happens is I sit at my laptop and model. Even when I finish the model early, there's often a significant change to the actual artwork and I end up revising it. Now, I almost always make the model before work on the actual piece begins, and the product is usually based on what I made in SketchUp, but the numerous revisions sometimes make me feel like my work is pointless.
But in spite of how I feel about this job, it pays well. It lets me pay for my own schooling now, and it helps my mother financially. So I have to stick with it for another year and a half, when my father no longer needs me there. I can only hope that forging my own path, working in animation will revive the spark I had three years ago.
A blog detailing the life and times of this humble multimedia artist and Distance Education student.
